KATIE'S JOURNEY

I always knew who Jesus was, what God had done for me and to me at age 7, the Holy Spirit was beams of light from the sun that went around like a hoover sucking up all the souls of people who had passed away. Seriously...

I think my Christian life started God-fearing; not like, I feel an overwhelming need to be part of something bigger than myself – like genuine fear. I was afraid of missing out. I was always the friend that apologised first, I never wanted to fall out with people or hurt anyone, so when I started hearing “apologise to God for everything you’ve done wrong”, that instinct in me kicked-in and BOOM; 12 year old Katie apologised, prayed “the prayer” and here was me thinking I was going to wake up the next day with golden hair & angel wings. The next morning came and it was just another school day and it was just my normal life. I didn’t really get it.

It wasn’t until I was 14 that I started to truly understand what it was to be a Christian, I experienced worship and praise like I have never experienced at Summer Madness. I spent 5 days immersed in God’s presence and I was surrounded by the power of God; I was taught what it was to know the love of Jesus, to experience the true grace of God and to truly know the role of, and who the Holy Spirit is. After Summer Madness, I joined my church’s youth group, I joined our praise group, which had just started to lead on a Sunday morning and I was able to continue to meet with God in great moments of worship. As time passed I was able to understand how I could connect with God through music and how I could use singing as a way to worship God. I sang basically every Sunday until I was about 21.

But when I came home from university life wasn’t what I thought it was going to be; I was no longer the person who had walked out of this church 9 months ago, church just didn’t feel like the same place to walk into and singing just didn’t feel the same anymore.

When I was in school, I never really knew what I wanted to do; I moved from one career idea to the next, so when it came to Uni I picked something that would mean I wasn’t left behind. I studied for three years, came out with a 2:1 and had no more desire to be an Events Manager than the man on the moon.

OK – so what now? Cool. Just wasted 3 years of my life I’ll never get back. What’s next?

What’s next, Katie? Depression. Yep, Katie – you are going to spend the next 2-ish years depressed; only you won’t actually admit that you are depressed for about 3 years.

I passed it off as being frustrated at my situation, I passed irrational anger off as “because I worked with the public”, I passed my dwindling social life off as being tired from work. I found comfort in my room, sleeping, food and doing very little else. Funny thing; if you had of asked any of my friends, they’d of had no idea - I was still checking in with them, talking them through their lives and struggles, taking on their issues as if they were my own and bearing the weight with them so they didn’t feel they were alone in their circumstances. Ironic isn’t it? I told no one that I was struggling. The only one that really knew was my mum, I guess – she suffered with depression so could see the signs but I have always been a person who deals with things alone and then tells someone after “so this thing happened BUT DON’T WORRY – I’m fine now” – I didn’t want anyone to worry about me - so I tried coping alone.

My school report always said, “friendly, helpful, well-liked...talks too much” I embodied the characteristic of “bubbly”. During my worst moments, I was still able to uphold the “bubbly” character to my friends and family and no one was any the wiser. In the midst of everything in my day-to-day life, I was really struggling with my faith, I was struggling with my purpose, God’s plan for my life, struggling with church and finding that joy and happiness that worship once brought me. So it started becoming a chore to go to church, I found no life in the sermons, no help in the pews and no real comfort in God’s house.

So, I decided to find a new house...

I arrived in Emmanuel 2 years ago with nothing – literally. No friends, no happiness, “holding on by your finger-tips” type faith and I just had nothing left. I felt empty and at this point, I’d give anything a go to stop feeling this way.

I thought the first thing to do would be to get to know people, but that’s hard enough to do in a big church at the best of times, never mind when your head is telling you that you are worthless and no one would want to be your friend and all the other stuff that depression likes to tell you. So I pushed really hard against the negative and thought, if I join some teams, I can serve and meet new people- two birds, one stone – so, Welcome team, Kids Church and Friday Night Youth. Threw myself in at the deep end and drowned in it for a little while, but I found my footing, I found some people who pulled me up and most importantly, the longer I spent in this new home, I felt like I was finding more and more of my old self.

I was worshipping and praising God on a new level, with new feelings and new need and new desire and just newness – I was meeting core people who would go on to become some hugely important friends. I was finding that I had more gifts from God than I had once thought and I was receiving from God in new and creative ways. I also found out about Links Counselling, I set up my first session and did my 6 week block. I dropped baggage that I had been carrying for years, I slowly started building my confidence and self-worth and I stopped letting my own ideas dictate where I should be or what I should be doing and started trusting in God’s plan and purpose. I realised that He doesn’t make mistakes, no matter how much we think we have screwed it up.

I still have my struggles and hard days, I still doubt that I’m where I should be – but I know that God is constant and has won every battle for us, even before we have put up our shield. Philippians 3:12-14 (MSG) “I’m not saying I have this all together, that I have made it But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward – to Jesus. I’m off and running and I’m not turning back” Please know that God is always in control – He knows it all and there is nothing that we can do that will surprise Him, He knows and He loves. Always.